I think you can tell, I'm totally not feeling the blogging this week (and maybe most of last week too) and I'm not sure what's really up with me but I haven't really been feeling like myself lately.
People say I've changed but maybe I'm just slowly waking up to some people's bullshizz and re-examining my relationships with so-called friends and buddies. Honestly, it was much easier when I was younger (If we weren't getting it on, then we're friends. That's it. Good friends? Bad friends? Toxic friends? Never been an issue. The only line was the one between physical and emotional intimacy. And when I say emotional intimacy, I mean that in a very superficial sense. I've never truly learned to be emotionally intimate with anyone other than my mom. I've never had to be, and I don't know if I ever can be.) but now that I'm not throwing my wang at everything in sight, my life and spirit hangs heavily on my friends. My sense of worth and my sense of self hangs heavily on my friends. I rely on my friends to keep my spirit up, and to keep my mojo charging, instead of people with more lyrical declarations and more passionate inclinations and motivations. I think that's really the thing that's changed about me. I'm simply relying more on my relationships with people I know and love. And there are times when I can't figure out what I have to offer, to even deserve anything in return.
Which is great, but maybe too little too late? Have I inexplicably surrounded myself with so many superficial relationships that my heart is now grappling for something, anything that's based on something real and solid? I'm really not talking about any specific person here, haha these are just feelings and self-observations that I've taken into account as I look deeper into myself for answers and clues to navigate my way through the labyrinth that is my life.
I'm 26, and I hardly know who I am. I'm looking to the people around me for some semblance of what I stand for, what I love, what I feel. Because when I look inwards to myself, it's all white noise. I see nothing I like, and I almost don't wanna even look! Its frightening. Its like a scary tangle of wires that's hissing at you and threatens to bite you in the face if you even come close! And just when you get up the nerve to come close and reach forward, it extinguishes and becomes nothing but smoke. Like there was never really anything there to begin with. Like it's simply emptiness that's remained empty all this time because you've been so afraid to reach inside and fill it up.
Have a sweetsupertastic Tuesdoinks everyone! I've been really into this song this weekend, hope you enjoy it :)
No comments:
Post a Comment