Illusions

"Rolls and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way.."

Its one of those mornings when my coffee gets lukewarm before I drink it and then after I down the entire cup of lukewarm coffee, I'm wondering if that even counts or if I should make another cup. Or I should say, another mug. Because my coffee cups/mugs are so large they might as well have nipples on them. (Hehe Friends reference) I had this incredible compulsion to listen to Joni Mitchell this morning:



And so I'm free! From work! From the morning bus! From standing face to face with strangers and falling asleep standing and banging my head on the bus poles! I'll definitely miss Jan and Ken and the team but really I think I'll survive! From my very limited experience with working, I can somehow surmise that work will ultimately define one's life (or perhaps that's simply the way I operate when I work anywhere) and I'm realizing the importance of entering a field that truly inspires me and makes me value myself and enjoy my environment and allows for my own contributions to that particular area. I still think its all about luck in getting a great job that fits you, so I hope I get really lucky. WHEN THAT DAY COMES. By my calculations and popular belief, the world is slated to end first before I even graduate. Before I ever get to see my Paris!

When I mention Paris, people tend to look at me like I'm crazy. They'd either say, "Well maybe you could take traveling one step at a time, perhaps try Bangkok next, and then Indonesia, and go further and further every time," or they'd say, "Just save up enough and do it! There's no time to waste!" Its hard to explain my feelings about the whole thing, but Paris isn't about traveling for me. I hate traveling! And Paris isn't about getting to France; its not about an air ticket. Its about meaning something, earning something, knowing I've deserved it. Its really not about being financially ready either, its about finally getting to a stage of emotional maturity that's still eluding me for now. Its about knowing that I've grown up enough; that I'm proud enough of myself to be able to introduce myself to my beloved Eiffel Tower haha! I can't be the guy I am today and see Paris. It wouldn't mean anything for me. Its not about one picture, its about everything else up to that moment and the person I'd become. Its about being able to sit alone at a cafe and feel complete. Its about going to see the Eiffel without a camera. Sometimes, I feel like its about having someone to come back home to. Haha okay scratch that last one. Its about accepting myself completely on my own, and never looking back!

Maybe its even just about preserving the dream, and keeping the hope alive. Perhaps its simply about having something to look forward to. There are so many things I don't believe in anymore. But I still believe in my Paris.

"But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day.."